3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
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Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what’s your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
Stop sending me this shit.
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet