Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
You Might Also Like
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
The Book. The Movie.
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.