Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
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Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
we all know this pain all too well
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.