At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
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how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
Am getting real tired of your crap…
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
My boss called in sick of me
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL