me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
You Might Also Like
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no