Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
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Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”
* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
Me if I was a dog
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all
*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*