i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
You Might Also Like
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet: