Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
You Might Also Like
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle
genie: you can’t wish for more wishes
me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world
genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan
me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes
alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month
Woke up with morning Yule Log
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton