Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
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My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
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Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.