Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
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“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
Oh we’ve met.
Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
#RateMyPun #LunchPun
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*