I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
You Might Also Like
Inspiration twitter:
“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”
Also inspiration twitter:
“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”
So we got a goldfish…
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there
Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.