professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
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If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It
I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.
My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?