HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
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Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀
Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.