My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
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date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work
me: hm ok. any other options?
company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho
me: uhh
company: try simply tapping your card
me: but does it-
company: this has NEVER worked
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.