Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
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My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.
When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.
That’s the moment you wish you had kids.
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.