Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
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Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.Me: [handing over tools]
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
#CatsOnTwitter
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.