Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
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This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
Generation gap…
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.