me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
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My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️