I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.
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[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
Don’t forget to tip your server
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.