my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
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Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
*first date*
Her: I’m a bit of a night owl
Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl
H: Well, aren’t you a hoot
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
Just got to our Airbnb!
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
There’s no “u” in narcissist
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”