Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
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Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
He a real one for that
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
mechanics be like
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest