[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
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My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.
don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?
me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
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Phew ✔
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
*sewing*
A thread
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.