Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
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I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
Ooh I do like a good funnel
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
Groom: I do.
Priest: And..
Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.