me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
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They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.