Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
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In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process