My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
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My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
Just me?
[cross-country trip]
me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap
passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
LOL!
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
[human resources]
Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?
Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot
You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?