Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
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I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
A level of petty I can get with 🤣
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING