if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
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[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
Love is in the air fryer.
We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
*Midwesterners validating weather*
-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”
99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”
20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”
47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*