Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
You Might Also Like
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
“I’m helping” 😅
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.