It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
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Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table
{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
Never be a pizza!
4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today