[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
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My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
This is no longer winter this is harassment
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging