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Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps
Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Me: entre-manure
Her: I’m staying with my sister
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again