The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
You Might Also Like
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*
Matt Goss
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit