Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
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Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*