Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
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Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
Möther may I have a snäck
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.