Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
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Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”