Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
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Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”
I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?