I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
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Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes
[first date]
Him: I love Asian girls
Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eyeHim: No, not like that
The Friday File.
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
Yes
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
What my back needs
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.