I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
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Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
why does this building look like a guilty dog
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
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Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.