-first day at NASA-
colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
me: do you guys do this in every elevator
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[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
Happens to everyone.
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*