8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
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A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
Got him!
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding
Me: I- I gotta know
Cashier: know what?
Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.
scan me
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
#FunnyLife Insects
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”
Me: Yeah boyee
Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.
I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.