I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
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Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay
I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
Wordle 241 1/6
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke