“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
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“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*