the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help
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My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t