one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks
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Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy
God: And then let’s send in murder hornets
Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?
God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus
Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?
God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
*watches the world burn*