cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
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If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I’ll keep you posted.
Muppet Screams
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.
But he’s never made it as a wise man.
One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!
Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
12653.
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.