If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
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Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you