the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
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if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
Is this you?
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
i’m sure it’s fine
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!