[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
You Might Also Like
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.
Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
The only good comments section online is on recipes
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”
Do I laugh or….?
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”