[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It’s pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
Me: Nice
Wife: Nice
*69 minutes later*
Me: Niiiiiiice
You Might Also Like
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco